Trump To Houston: Let Them Drink Trump Water

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(FNN) – Former Hurricane Harvey unmercifully continued to dump water on Texas today causing wide spread flooding on the Texas shoreline. Houston has been hit extremely hard. The Texas National Guard has been activated to rescue Texans in trouble and they are receiving 1,000 calls per hour from people begging to be rescued. Many people are asking ‘why didn’t Trump evacuate Houston?’ Our leaker at the White House filled us in on the details.

“Trump was told he had to evacuate Houston or he’d have another Katrina on his hands. Trump told us no one could do as bad as W. and he had it all under control. Most of us pleaded with him to evacuate Houston. After all, without Texas, we could never win the White House in 2020. But Trump told us he’s on vacation and evacuating Houston is just too much work.”

Did he give any other reasons for not evacuating Houston?

“Well, he did say that if the fake news media is talking about deaths in Texas they’re not talking about Russian collusion and white supremacy. He also said that his good friend Joel Osteen has a huge mega Church there and that Joel promised him he’d look out for people in trouble.”

Then why did Pastor Osteen refuse to take in the sick and dying people of Houston when they arrived at his Church?

“Well, apparently there was a misunderstanding. Joel meant he’d have armed men at his gates to keep the riff raff out of his Church. When Joel said he’d look out for the people of Houston we didn’t think he meant that way.”

That still doesn’t explain why Trump didn’t evacuate Houston. It’s not like he’d have to go out there and do it himself.

“Well, there is one other reason. I’m guessing you missed the tweet about Trump Water? Trump’s son called us to let us know he was about to close a large deal with FEMA and to hold off on any more evacuations.”

Our investigative team searched for the tweet our leaker mentioned and found a tweet that was recently sent but deleted.

We’ve reached out to the White House, FEMA, and the Trump Organization to understand why Houston needs bottled water when buckets of clean rain water are falling from the sky each minute. So far there’s been no response.