Cracked

REVEALED! Dark Secret Behind Pence, 1314, and WWIII

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VP Mike Pence and his wife Karen both used the number 1314 in their personal email addresses. No thought was given about that number until a White House source revealed the Pence’s involvement with the Knights Templar. 

“The only reason Mike is VP is because he leads the Knights Templar. The number 1314 is the year the supposed last Knight Templar, Jacques de Molay, was executed. As we now know, there were more.”

Painting of Jacques de Molay’s execution.

We asked our source what this means for the country.

“You can already see the Knights Templar’s (KP) plan to take over the country in motion. They have strong connections to the Russian government. It wasn’t Trump’s campaign that worked with the Russians. Trump isn’t smart enough for that. The KP made the arrangements. Mueller is a member. Now he’s investigating Trump and he’ll frame Trump with collusion with the Russians to turn over the presidency to Mike Pence and the KP.”

We asked our source why.

“Their goal is to restart the Crusades. They want to send massive armies into the Middle East to wipe out the Muslims. They already have Putin and Assad working on their behalf and they convinced Trump to send 4,000 troups but that isn’t enough. Once Trump is out the plan is to send in the armed might of the NATO alliance. They blew up a concert in Manchester and blamed it on Muslims to motivate Europe. They just need Mike Pence as Commander-in-Chief. Then WWIII begins.”

We asked what is the end goal?

“Barron Trump is the anti-Christ. It’s predicted that the anti-Christ will be struck down by a Muslim. The plan is to wipe out the Muslims and install Barron as the leader of the world. Only then can his father, Satan, rule the Earth.”

Only time will tell if the Pence’s will be successful. 

Is Karen Handel Stealing Trump From Melania? First Lady Moving Into White House

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Handel and Trump at Atlanta fundraiser.

ATLANTA – An anonymous White House source claims that Melania’s recent decision to move in with Trump is to keep Karen Handel away from her man.

“Melania is hugely jealous of my relationship with Karen Handel. Karen is hot for me big league. You’re not going to mention my name, right?”

When asked when Trump’s next visit to Atlanta is going to be, “Melania won’t let me go down to Atlanta anymore. That’s why I sent Pence down there. He sent me a text saying he was having dinner alone with Karen. I was shocked, big league, because I didn’t think he went in for that sort of thing. Ossoff is more Pence’s type, if you know what I mean.”

We asked our source if taping was going on in the White House but all our source would say is, “I’ll tell you about that maybe sometime in the very near future. I’m not hinting anything. I’ll tell you about it over a very short period of time. Oh, you’re going to be very disappointed when you hear the answer, don’t you worry.”

Trump v. Twitter! Signs Executive Order Requiring Twitter to Blur Pics Trump Doesn’t Like

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Bowling Green, KY – At 1 am ET Sunday morning Trump signed an Executive Order demanding Twitter blur unflattering pics of him. Twitter caved and immediately started blurring his pictures. Twitter users woke up to find their pictures of Trump unviewable.

It is suspected that Trump couldn’t sleep after watching SNL and needed an Executive Order to relax himself. Twitter users were thrilled as they were tired of seeing him. One Twitter user stated, “Thank God. All those double chins and baby hands were making me sick.”

Bowling Green Massacre! White NRA Christian Trump Supporters Kill 200+ Trump Protesters!

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Bowling Green, KY – Tragic. Most Americans never thought they’d see this day. 42 white radicalized Christian men showed up to a Trump protest and laid down gun fire.

Over 200 protesters were killed. Brian Williams of NBC News appeared on the scene right before the gun fire started and was nearly killed nine times.

Earlier in the day a Michigan GOP official called for the execution of the protesters. Apparently Trump supporters were listening.

Vigils and protests were held across the country for the victims.

A plaque has already been installed at the sight of the massacre.

In a statement, the Trump administration’s Kellyanne Conway has stated the massacre didn’t occur. No charges have yet been leveled against any of the shooters. Some people are calling for a ban of all white Christian NRA and GOP members stating that the risk they’ll be radicalized and kill citizens is too great to allow them into the country.

It’s about Time

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Staci Bernard

The polar ice caps are melting. Measles and mumps are on the rise. Innocent bears are accused of threatening school children. What’s a scientist to do?

Pat Kearney and Riley Morgan, physicists at Calford University have an idea: time travel. “Eighties fashion is back,” noted Kearney, “and so is fifties legislation. That got me thinking. . . .”

“Not to mention the Back to the Future marathon,” added Morgan. “I notice something new every time I see those movies!”

Unlike other areas of science, quantum physics seems to have stayed under the Trump administration’s radar, so to speak. “We haven’t worked out all the details,” said Morgan, “but when we do, they’ll be big league!”

The more subdued Kearny added, “Now that humanities and arts budgets are being cut, we won’t get as much flack as usual. ‘This is why you shouldn’t clone dinosaurs.’ ‘This is why you shouldn’t make a human being out of parts of other human beings.’ We couldn’t do anything without some movie or book or philosopher or theologian spoiling our fun. Now though. . . .”

Now, though, only time will tell. 

Executive Order! Women & Muslims Can’t Vote. Trump Declares Prohibition Over!

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WCTU, December 5, 1933, Realitybites, OZ – 

President Donald J. Trump made history today signing an Executive Order banning Muslims and women from voting. After the signing he declared Prohibition over.

Immediately white men packed bars and ran to the passing beer trucks in an effort to get extremely drunk.

They quickly spent their wives entire paychecks and drove home drunk to beat their wives.

Women reacted quickly running out to protest the Executive Order and then go shopping. When their debit and credit cards declined they protested again.

One protester said, “Fuck Trump. That asshole.”

​Airport Personnel Thwart Second Coming

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Staci Bernard

Upon landing at JFK, a certain Jesus was detained in accordance with the President’s latest (as of this writing) executive order. Presumably aiming to suffer like humankind, as he’s known to have done in the past, Jesus traveled in coach and endured questions from customs officials before reportedly tossing up his hands in frustration and saying, “Screw this! Maybe the third time will be the charm.” He then plunked himself down on a chair, shaking his head and muttering something under his breath.